It Takes Two to Tango. And Three is always a Crowd.

On 25th January, 2010 I waited with bated breath for you. And I put the garland around your neck with every single one of my family members watching. I'll never forget that day. 

Why do girls get married?
In some countries, arranged marriages are the norm. Once a girl is of marriageable age (and sometimes even when she is not) the family decides whom she should marry and when.

India is one of those countries wherein many areas around this large mass of land, a girl can choose for herself. In many others areas, she can't.
Times change. People change. Sometimes for the better.

But why do girls get married? 
All a girl wants when she marries someone out of love is complete devotion and her man to put her first. To make her feel special and to make her feel loved. To not look at other pretty women and make her feel less of herself.

Times are changing...

We think we have it all...
At one point, we Indians scoffed at how westerners had a higher-than-average divorce rate while in India, marriage still held so much value that couples didn't just split up over 'differences'. We prided ourselves in having a strong family system.

What we didn't bother stressing on was how unhappy middle aged couples went on with a marriage because of family pressures. Because, the woman didn't know how she would support herself, financially. Because, the woman was made to feel scared of the outside world. Because a woman had to stay.

This of course doesn't constitute every marriage or married couple in India. But it does say a lot about several.

Today, we see a drastic rise in divorce cases among younger married couples. 

Girls changed. Look around you. Walk around the cities of India. Watch the corporate world. Women are every where and they are rising in their careers. They are smarter, confident, groomed, ambitious. Women have turned entrepreneurs in and around the country and have done so, successfully. Moreover, some women are at the helm of very reputed companies internationally and nationally. A few examples - Chanda Kocchar, CEO, ICICI Bank, Naina Lal Kidwai, Chairperson of HSBC, India, Sheryl Sandberg, CEO of Facebook.

The list is endless.

But most of the men, remained the same. In India. Again, that's not to speak on behalf of every man out there, but several few. Indian parents of boys still raise their sons instilling in most of them a sense of responsibility that involve old-age care. That involved their being part of the sons life day in and day out. These parents also want their daughters-in-law to adhere to what they feel is right and on par with society's norms.

While girls to a large extent still had to be the 'paraya' in their own homes and serve the elders or in-laws in her marital home, boys stayed under the roof and influence of their parents.

Many sons of Indians have managed to break out of the norm. They do understand that the wife's place is somewhere and the family's or parents place is somewhere else in the hierarchy of thought and love. Neither is less important. But this is what we largely fail to understand.

How can you merge the two? Why do we still want to integrate everything and act like one big happy family? I believe and always will that distance makes the heart grow fonder. That does not mean that one should stop caring for their parents, far from the fact. But it definitely doesn't mean that you make your life partner adhere to their wishes, demands and traditions while ignoring hers.

Who laid down traditions? 
Ask parents why they follow what they do and a majority of them wont even have the right answers. Google it and you may get why we follow what we follow.

Humans, people like you and me laid down traditions. And again, that doesn't mean we get to break them as we go along. It just means that we need to integrate changing times to them.

Indian parents of boys still want the same old behaviour that they saw when they were younger. In most cases.

When I put the garland on you, I wanted you to put me first. To ask me what I wanted before you asked them what I should do. I wanted to be in control of my life because it was a gift given to me by my parents, not yours. 

If I say this out loud, I'm termed as arrogant. If my husband were to go away on a business trip, I am supposed to move in with my in-laws. Did anyone consider asking me whether I would like to move in with my own parents during that time?

I don't hate anyone. Not my in-laws. Not their family. But I do believe that if I can't control my own life, I can't be happy. 

Let's face facts. Some women are happier in their married homes. But several others miss their parents, their childhood homes and their pre-marital life. But life is all about growing and moving on. Still, when parents-in-law lay down terms because its 'customary', I fail to see how the hell that is justified? Is this what we call "balance"?

Yes, without traditions we wouldn't have a base. But is it that important to enforce conditions on another human being? Indian parents and boys too should understand, you don't own your wife / bahu. 

I thought we would grow old together. I used to pray that God not take you away first. Still, if I were to leave you, it gives me the jitters. 

But how can I go on when you want what your parents tell you to have? I'm not asking you to break away from your parents. But just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you get to break me away from mine.

You say you don't ask for anything out of the ordinary. What you do want is a wife who will put your family and you first. But do you put her first?

You want her to churn out delicious dishes in the kitchen, ones that taste like what your mother cooked you. You even want her to learn how to cook from your mother. Do you look after her the way her father did? Her father treated her like a princess and ensured she had nothing to worry about. Ever.

You on the other hand don't know the meaning of a life 'partner'. A partner. Someone who can share thoughts, equally. Like you. Who can make decisions, like you. 

Dear Indian sons of those days, learn from those who treat their wife as their equal, those who even start businesses with them. A woman knows when to strike a balance between her married life and her other worldly desires. Men, sadly, do not.

Until the Indian boy of yesterday doesn't open his eyes, couples of today will never be happy. And believe it or not, accept it or not, have a deep conversation with the elder women in your family and most will say that they were not happy after a point in time.

It takes two to tango. And three's always said to be a crowd. 

It's about time you learn the real meaning and responsibility of a life 'partner' before you choose to point fingers.

If I could talk to you…

I lie here watching you. Every day. Day after day. I will watch you the day after today too and the one after tomorrow too. It’s what I do. Maybe it’s what I like to do. You amaze me. The way you understand me, the way you know when I’m hungry or the way you give a simple hug. Or the way you understand that sometimes I just need to run wild and be free. We all do! 

I only wish I could talk to you. I don’t even know if you’d take the time to listen but I can always wish for things. Not every wish comes true. But most do. Don’t lose hope!

I love how you walk with me, right by my side, every day, day after day. I cherish how you patiently wait while I walk slowly, taking in the sights and sounds around me. I like watching the birds. I love watching the dogs on the road and how they run about or laze around under the bright afternoon sun. I love the flowers by the side of the road and the beautiful waves of the ocean's waters...

I remember the days we hung out all the time. I was younger then. I had the energy to do things with you. Now, I’ve none. Time made you change too, or maybe you didn't but circumstances did. 

You eventually stopped hanging out with me as much. You were hardly home. I missed you when you weren’t.

If only I could talk to you. I’d tell you so much. Where would I start? I would probably start by telling you I love you. I think we don’t say it enough to the people we care about and we've stopped showing it too. Not only did you forget how to live, you forgot how to love. You’re going too fast. What you’re aiming for is the sky, you all aim for the sky these days. Because you'll want everything.

But what about what’s right here on the ground. Do you know the names of the flowers down our road? Or the smell of the trees in front of your yard? I know it all because this is my home.What about me? When was the last time we just sat together? 

You’ll get what you want in life. It all falls into place eventually, that’s how the cycle works. Yes, you have to try but you don’t have to stop living when you’re out there trying!

If this is what you call life, I’m better off! When was the last time you slept peacefully? When was the last time you didn't wake up only to rush again? Can’t you take time off? What’s the worst that could happen? Everything can wait.

I wish you could understand these things as I stare at you day after day, watching and seeing. I wish I could tell you that I saw you cry the other day. I wish I could tell you I understand your worries. I have strong senses! I wish I could tell you that the other day when you came home laughing, I wanted to jump, scream and hug you with joy!

As I lie here, watching you, the light shines bright. We've come a long way. 12 wonderful years. I wish I could say…’and counting’…

I was wrong, everything doesn’t wait. Time is limited. But things happen. I have to go now. I will be at peace when I do. Can you give me that? You've given me so much already!

I’m sorry I have to leave. If I could tell you one last thing, I would say, please learn to live again...

  

 In memory of Toffee

I knew where I wanted to go but I didn’t know how to get there

I currently live in a city I haven’t always lived in. It’s a nice city. It has its quirks, like most things and many of us do. I can’t say I love it here but I definitely love it more than some of the places I've had the opportunity of living in.

Like most visitors or new inhabitants of a city, I rely heavily on the public transport system to get around. There’s an entire assortment of choices when it comes to public transport here, you can opt for those cute little three wheeler autos, cabs and even the bus. The three wheeler autos are my preferred choice because you don’t often have to wait for it (like a bus) and it shields you enough from the harsh sun.

I live in one corner of the city which doesn't offer much socially but which has the basics a normal lifestyle needs. One actually doesn't have much to complain about here if one chooses not to.

I work in the other end of the city and commuting across the city is now a habit for me, its part of my life. Working at thus so far a distance helped me understand the city’s roads better. Not that I know every nook and corner of the city, but I definitely knew how to get by. It’s important to know how to get by, in every phase of your life, if nothing else.

I had to return from work the other day and as always hailed the nearest three wheeler auto I could find. I usually settle back in the backseat with my music in an attempt to enjoy the long ride back. This day, my auto driver decided to keep my mind on its toes because he chose to take a different route.

After having explored 3 different routes to get me from where I stay to where I needed to go every day, I had honed in on one that seemed the shortest, safest and quickest.

The minute my new auto driver of the moment turned right where I thought he should have turned left, my senses peaked. I considered hollering and asking him which route he was taking when something inside me stopped me. That same something told me to watch and observe where exactly this route although new could lead me.

See, the thing is, I’m new to the city. I knew where I had to go but I didn't exactly know how to get there.

I sat upright and totally alert while my auto driver of the moment swerved through the heavy traffic in the sweltering heat. I watched and tried to place where I was by thinking of the map of the city in my head. But I had no idea. 

Although, if directions came into play, I at least knew I was heading toward where I had to be.

Halfway through the journey when I still couldn't identify where I was, I had to fight the urge to ask him which route he was using and whether it was the right one. Again, my inner voice won and I kept quiet.

As I sat there looking out, I suddenly realized that I had entered an area I was familiar with. I finally knew where I was and I could place everything around me. I started relaxing a little and let go of my inhibitions as the roads seemed familiar once again and the surroundings seemed like home. I knew where I wanted to go but I didn't know how to get there. But I eventually found my way. Or the way found me. I think that’s what important too in the end. To know where you have to go. It won’t matter if you don’t know how to get there, as long as you begin the journey.

How Long Do I Have?

I came across the story of Paul Kalanithi just today, during a week that didn't seem to be at its best.

It's truly humbling to see how many people around you succumb to a variety of terminal illnesses. Medical science has a place in our world because of illness.
Cancer is one of the real world's biggest scare and we've reached a point in our race where every five families you may come across will have an average of one cancer survivor.

If Paul Kalanithi could write about the inevitable knowing he had little time - I look at it as a blessing.

It's always about the way you perceive things. If I were told I didn't have too much time left, would I still be doing the things I do?

It's like a jolt. A shake. Everyone needs it at some point in their life but not everyone gets it. Your jolt doesn't have to be news of impending death. It could be anything that brings back that once known feeling of passion that you have now conveniently forgotten about because of your day to day tasks.

We all strive but when were we last content? Passionate? Worry-free? Or in peace?

If I knew how much time I had left, I'd have planned things differently. Not because I was running out of time but because I'd know those were the things I needed to do most. The important things that without a deadline did take and do still take a backseat today.

I look at 'knowing' as a blessing. If I knew I had to go in a week or month or year, I might consider giving up work and taking off on an endless travel journey. That's because I wouldn't need to save for an emergency or old age anymore.

It's just the way you perceive things at the end of a Long day.

But in all honesty, if I told you that you had just a week to live - what would you do first?

Dear Indian Husbands of Today

Dear Indian Husbands of Today,

This is not the 1950’s. Unlike my grandmothers and those before her, I chose to marry you and was not forced into a lifelong relationship with you.

I am just as and maybe more educated than you are. I chose to put that on a backseat and be dependent enough on you to suit your ego. I chose to make the house we live in a home and cook for you and keep you well.

By doing all this, I may have forgotten who I really am. You want a woman who is smart and beautiful AND who listens to everything you have to say.

Tell me, how often have you actually paid attention to the things I want to say or the wishes I have? Yes, maybe you do sometimes. But do you allow me to pursue what I want without making me feel guilty about it? Do you allow me to live my life the way I want without asking me questions about who will cook and clean for you while on the same hand, you yourself will ensure you pursue what you want in life because you are the ‘MAIN’ bread earning member in this family?

I let you be the main bread earning member. Do not doubt for a moment that if I hadn't married you and decided to put my desires in the backseat of this car called married life, you would not be the sole bread winning member.

I let you be this and much more. You bought me clothes and let me use your money to keep myself. That is because I allowed it to be that way. Do you honestly think that if I put myself out there in the real world I won’t be at par with you or maybe higher?

This is not the 1950’s. Your male ego needs to soften or grow up. A woman is just as capable and always was and always be. Our only drawback is that the Indian society had put us (as a gender) on the backseat for too long and raised us telling us we should be a certain way.

Before you got married, did your parents ever bother lecturing you on how to keep a wife? Ours did. They told us how to behave, what to say, what not to say, what to wear and how to treat our in laws. Yours probably didn’t even bother to tell you to treat us as equals.

This is not the 1950’s. In fact, my grandmothers may have been smarter than my grandfathers. But they were just never allowed to show it. That’s how our traditional society raised women, to bear their husbands and their husband’s families with a smile on their face.

Do we not have parents too? If you expect us to live with your parents and nurture and look after them, don’t we wish to do the same with the ones who actually spent their lives raising us? Yes, we do. But because the unspoken laws of tradition were laid down back then, you choose to follow it because it suits you.

Grow up dear husbands of today. Your sisters, your wives and your mother’s desire much more than they let on. They are the ones who allowed you to be who you are or how you are today.

Don’t push the Indian woman of today down. She may have a child, a husband and a family to look after. Your duty is to look after her and her life’s dreams. Your duty is not just to ensure she makes you a good home and caters to you and your family. 

Grow up Indian husbands of today. And Open your Eyes.

Why do Marriages End?

When it comes to your own personal views, morals and life story – there is no right and wrong. It is the limit you set out for yourself and the rules too. Or is it? If we weren't taught some kind of moral or made to adhere to some sort of norm, wouldn't we all just exist without really being a civilized community?

There is a big huge divide between these elements. You can be taught what is morally right and what is morally wrong. But again, who defined the morals? Are they correct to begin with? Yes, they can serve as a benchmark, but you have to know for yourself.

In this society we live in, we tend to contradict ourselves. We make laws hoping people will follow them only to realize that they don’t. Let’s take robbery for instance. It’s illegal but it’s rampant. Let’s take adultery for instance. It’s illegal and rampant too. So are several others.

We live in a society where our elders told us certain things because they were told certain things. Nobody questioned why. The newer generations wanted to know more about why they were being told to do what they were being told to do. But the immediate elders didn't have all the answers because they never asked those questions. 

They were told what to do all along themselves. This gap initiated the newer lot to turn into rebels. 

The ones who always questioned the WHY behind the SHOULD.

Yes, it is alright to follow traditions. But who laid down the laws of tradition? A certain someone at a certain point of time did. If people change with time and we call it progress – tradition can change too.

But then, where do you draw the line. If you change tradition, everything changes. Because the old law slowly ceases exist. Maybe it’s why the past generation always feels the new one is out of control.

Take for instance our Indian weddings. We have cocktail ceremonies during week-long Hindu Marriage celebrations today. That’s a contradiction in itself. And we have all our elders attending it too.

In this world, nobody wants to conform blindly anymore. Nobody wants to be led. Nobody wants to listen if they are not being heard. In the past, people were expected to keep quiet and not think, but just do.

You cannot expect to control an entire race and blame it on tradition. In order to make the race more balanced, there has to be room to change what was. There has to be a window to change the rules every time a new day begins. We may not realize it, but we change too without knowing it, every single day.

Limits. Yes, we have to set limits just like we set targets otherwise we will turn into a breed of uncontrolled hippies. But it is not for you or anyone to set them. We can be told. We can be made to understand how something MAY not be right.

Tradition cannot turn into dictatorship. Relationships cannot be made to succeed unless we learn to let everyone breathe.

Everybody wants a slice of the same pie and sometimes marriages break because of this. At the end of the day, it is about setting your own limits and living a good life. What makes a good life, is up to you.

Yes, we do need tradition to guide us, not to be a dictatorship. Yes, we do need moral values to guide us, not to dictate us. We need a bit of everything to live. 

We also need some air to think and breathe. Every relationship may go through a point where you lose the plot. Where you question everything, you once loved. About each other. Every relationship goes up and comes down. And then you either decide to fight it or break it. That's what people do to each other.

Marriages don't end. It's the people who fail each other. The people fail each other all the time. In society. As family. In relationships. 

Because we don't teach our children how to live well. We dictate. We have fallen prey to what 'WAS RIGHT' and tried to live by it. Not realizing that things change, people change. The days change. Everything has to change, over time. 

And we will continue failing each other until the point where we see the bigger picture. The one we can't find anymore in this cloud of utter chaos and deception. 

No generation is better than the other. Every generation has its flaws.